Today has been a big day. A big day, and a little…overwhelming. Isn’t it funny how good things can sometimes make you feel bad? Sometimes, when thing are going really well, I get a little emotional.
I remember two summers ago, I had just landed an amazing summer job, started dating a great guy, and was accepted to an incredible program that I was sure was going to kick-start my career. I kept telling myself it was too good to be true. “Stop waiting for the other shoe to fall,” my father told me. “Just enjoy it.” So I did. Or I tried. It was a good summer. I learned a lot. And it helped to remember those moments during the next year, when that program kicked my ass!
This fall, things have felt a little shaky. I’m in that awkward stage between graduation and real-life, where I am both frightened and excited for the future. It has involved a lot of fruitless job searching, some arguments with my brothers who are also living at home, and possibly some whining about not having a boyfriend (which, seriously guys, I’m so much happier with. No, really. Just don’t ask me after a glass of wine.)
So today, after weeks of self-doubt, I finally got the news that I have a job in January. I will have to move to Toronto, and the job is way less than secure, but it is a position in my field and honestly I think a great opportunity. Even the timing worked out well—I will be able to spend Christmas in Florida with my family and have enough time to move my stuff down to T.O. Naturally, I am thrilled. I feel passionate about my field again, I’m happy with what I’m doing on the side (writing, writing, and a lot more writing) and I feel good about life, in general.
So of course, by ten o’clock tonight, I was near tears. Stupid, right?
It seems impossible to have such conflicting emotions so close together. Like how some days I am certain that I am better off single, and the next moment I’m whining that I’m probably going to die alone. Today, I find it bizarre to think that I have accomplished as much as I have, but am still so at the mercy of other people’s opinions.
This is the weirdness of the between. The between school and real life. Between having a job you need and having the job you want. It’s the mid-twenties, what-am-I-doing, this isn’t what I thought it would be, terrible, exhilarating, limbo. I am trying to embrace it. Instead of wallowing, I called up a friend and we drove to our favourite diner. This is one of the great things about the weird between—usually other people are feeling it too, and are more than happy to have an excuse to eat waffles at 11:30pm.
The best part about today is that it has filled me with hope. It feels good to know where I will be in January. It’s also exciting that I don’t know everything: where I will live, who I will meet, what will come of the experience—these are all things I will get to find out, and I could not be more excited. Terrified and excited—two emotions I think I’ll be feeling a lot in the coming weeks!